mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize