we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
