so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
