i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
