She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
