But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I did not marry a roomba.
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