Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize