matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
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