If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize