Swine flu. Run for my life!
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
We're not piercing ourselves today.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
