NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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