Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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