the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
