i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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