if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
we should paint friendship bongs
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
