Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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