my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
