Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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