saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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