I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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