U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
