Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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