I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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