If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
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