apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
What a dumb baby whore.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
