Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Randomize
