Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
