....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
