My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
