Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
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