bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
