I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
one might say we're banned from that church
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Randomize
