3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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