Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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