My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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