Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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