DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
