Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
