remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
