I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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