I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
