I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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