I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
