yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Randomize
