i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
