I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Randomize
