Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
