hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
