it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
