Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Randomize
