True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
