walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
