I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
