i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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