I cut my penus on the lid.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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